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I’d walk many a thousand miles
To see one of my daughters smiles
And in the day when I’m away
It’s hard to be apart

I think about her button nose
And each of her perfect little toes
And now I know she’s here to stay
It warms my weary heart

She would have fit inside my shoe
But even then deep down i knew
That little mite had all the fight
To make it through the fire

And now it’s clear this much is true
That after all she has been through
When mountains seem a dizzy height
You have to just aim higher


And so our heroine jumped down onto the underground tracks, being careful to avoid the tracks themselves. The sound of the approaching train ever increasing in magnitude together with the fear and panic of innocent bystanders, was akin to some daemoniacal harmony of a roasting orchestration of damned souls. The crowd rushed to try all of the exits only to find each one as fiercely impassable as the next. The mastermind of this perverse plot clearly did not care about the age, gender, race or political inclinations of his victims.

She grabbed the rucksack from the track and scaled the side of the platform while the crowd danced away from her as a shoal of sardines might avoid a ragged tooth shark or Mako. Screaming for calm and pointing to the far end of the platform, she directed the innocents towards the direction of the trains approach. She knew that if she could detonate the contents of the rucksack at the far end of the platform then the train would have slowed to a velocity whereby human casualty might be minimised as it derailed, and the distance between herself and the crowd might also help save some of their lives.

The crowd did exactly as she hoped without understanding her intentions, only wishing to be as far away as possible from the imminent explosion. With no intention toward her own preservation she took position at the far end and unzipped the bag to try and see if the device could be disarmed even though she had no such previous experience of her own.The look on her face was a perfect portrait of surprise. For within the bag was no bomb, but a number of random items; an unopened envelope, a heavy fist-sized crystal sphere of undetermined composition and a one way plane ticket to Peru.

Why had the message been broadcast about the bomb if it was a fake? This must have been some kind of test. Did she pass?


On my way to the car I saw a naked man. He was standing on the path near a bench and a bin. The sight offended me. I don’t want to see some naked old dude, and he was old, anywhere let alone in the sanctity of a public space. I asked him where his clothes were and he simply told me that he felt no need for clothes. He stated that he was born naked and why should he cover himself unless it is to keep warm in the winter and today was clearly a beautifully warm summer day.

“Why should I conform to the restrictive rules put in place by a fashion-obsessed society when I myself feel my most natural and free when clothed as I was when I entered this world?” he explained. “All I’m doing is setting a new fashion. A trend for freedom.” As he spoke, a police car pulled up and two heavily padded young officers handcuffed the elderly nude dude, covered him in a blanket and bundled him into their car, with a little more than what I would call reasonable force under the circumstances.

“What’s in the bag?” one of the officers enquired in a brutish tone. “My swimming stuff.” I answered respectfully as if it was any of his business. Ignorant fuck. Damned bully. Is there any need for such aggression and lack of common decency?

As I walked to my car with my plan still set in stone in my mind, I couldn’t help but think that the old man had a point. I drove to the top of the concrete helter-skelter car park entrance and mounted the contents of my rucksack on the ledge of the top floor, facing east and towards the centre of the town. Thinking about what the old man had said, I stripped naked as the day I was born and set fire to my clothes where they lay. Triggering the timer, I casually headed back to the car, safe in the knowledge that the CCTV systems were all playing a loop recorded earlier in the day, and that I had at least 10 minutes to escape to a safe distance.

Ten minutes later and I found myself ¬†on the top of a nearby hill overlooking the town. The detonator triggered and sure enough, as expected, a large grenade was launched with a trajectory perfectly calculated for the town hall. It was about to hit the building when my heart began to sink. Had I miscalculated? Of course not! Just before hitting the building, the missile exploded mid-air, launching its contents into the air surrounding the area. We didn’t want to kill anyone did we?! And what wonderful contents these were. Millions of little colour paper shapes, flowers, hearts, smiley faces, stars and the like. And every one of them contained a message, written in plain English on the reverse:

“Enough Is Enough”.

The sun had started to set. It was starting to feel a little chilly on top of that hill with my bits flapping in the wind. I wished I hadn’t burned my jeans and jumper.

Feeling Thortful

See what I did there?

Life Sucks

OK, not all the time. But sometimes. Sometimes things in your life change that are out of your control, but force you to act. These events sometimes come with an intense sadness or depression, or a complete lack of any sense of control over the situation.

All you can do at times like this is ride out the wave. Endure the sadness knowing that it will get better over time. Life has many things in store and great possibilities. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Equally things happen for no reason at all, but sometimes are accompanied or followed by sublime or profound serendipity. This is what you must hope for, or seek out.

CME and the Resulting Aurorae

I went for a drive to try and find some dark night and hopefully some aurorae following yesterday’s Coronal Mass Ejection (CME). I didn’t see any aurorae, but dabbled with a little night time photography, and here are the results:


The Quest of the 5 P’s of the Pool

So anyway, I found some poo on the bottom of the swimming pool this morning. It was solid but disintegrated a little in my hand upon investigation. I reported it to the lifeguard, who fished it out with a net and said it’s lucky it was solid, as if it had been runny, the pool would have needed emptying. It’s half term and the poo had probably been there since yesterday’s child infested water session. Just releasing some little particles from it’s mass in the surrounding water for the last 12 hours or more. I carried on with the rest of my swim, but I now feel dirty, despite spending longer than usual in the shower. I know it’s irrational as the amount of poo in the pool would be absolutely tiny and it would go through their cleaning filters, germs being killed by chlorine etc. But I still feel dirty. Can someone give me a hug? I’m sure it’s safe!

This is the most disturbing part of my quest to date. I know there is piss in the pool everywhere you look and I have found many plasters. The pool itself is one of the P’s, making three. After today, I have observed 4 of the 5 P’s of the pool. All I need to do now is find and destroy the paedophiles and my quest will be complete.

Wish me luck.

Himalayan Singing Bowl

The sound embedded here goes very nicely with the prayer in the previous post. Call me a big hippie if you like. On this occasion the truth does not hurt.


Mother Natures Prayer

Our Mother Nature, which art in everything
Hallowed be thy way
Thy kindom is here
Thy way is clear
Distant galaxies and near
We take from you our daily feed
Forgive us our greed when we take more than we need
As it will surely be our downfall
For thine is the universe
The patterns in this chaos
for ever and ever



In the name of the sun
the ocean
and leaves rustling in the wind


Quick Poll… Toilet Seats

The first of my “Quick Poll” posts. There may or may not be others.

Scenario: You’re a man and you are a guest at another persons house, or work or whatever. It could be anyone. You pay a trip to the bathroom for a cheeky “number one”. You lift the toilet lid to the upright position. Great! You lift the seat in order to unleash your torrent into the bowl, but there is a problem. The position of the seat is mal-aligned and gravity prevents it from staying upright. Do you:

  1. Have a sit down wee?
  2. Leave the seat down and wipe up any mess afterwards with toilet paper?
  3. Hold the seat up with one hand and control your pistol with the other?
  4. Piss all over the toilet seat and not give a crap?

Please leave your responses, or any other suggestions in the comments below.